Setting Boundaries with your Parents

Have you ever thought about needing to set boundaries with your parents?

“I don’t think you’re making the right choice.”

“Maybe it’s time you get a real job.” 

“Are you sure about that?”

“I expected more from you.”

The transition from being a teen to being an adult is hard.  You’re not the only one struggling with that transition.  I guarantee your parents are struggling too. This can lead to some confusion and frustration when you feel they have overstepped their boundaries.

But they mean well right?

Whatever way they treated you as a child is typically the same way they will interact with you as an adult, unless you are able to establish solid boundaries.

Have you tried to ask them to stop in the past and their response was that they are “just concerned?”

Often times these statements can cause a lot of shame and blame, which can bleed into other areas of your life.

This can become even more complex when you’re still connected to them in some way.  Maybe you still live at home or they might still be paying part of your bills.  This should not be a reason to continue to put up with certain behaviors and actions.

Many parents have a difficult time with the child to adult transition of their children.  In their head, there isn’t a clear cut off and most parents will tell you that you’re “their baby” for life.

So does that mean you just have to grin and bare it every time that they make a completely out of line comment?  Nope.

It’s time to re-establish what your relationship looks like as two adults and what boundaries you need to set.

Setting boundaries consists of not only your words, but your actions.  If you’re having a conversation with a parent and their responses feel invasive or you get angry by them, it may be that they have violated one of your boundaries.

How do I know I need to set boundaries with my parents?

Do you tense up when you see that they have called or texted you?

Do you get anxious before you know you need to see them?

Does your stomach do somersaults when you think about confronting them?

If you answered yes to any of the above, you could probably benefit from having better boundaries with your parents.

How do I start setting boundaries with my parents

Figure out what is ok and what is not ok

   Set a limit from a calm, respectful, emotion neutral space

    Stand your ground and be consistent

Sometimes parents can be pretty manipulative (often unintentionally), and try to persuade you to do something else.  Stand your ground and don’t backpedal.

If the same behavior occurs repeatedly, make sure that your boundary stays consistent.  No wishy-washiness here.

    Be respectful of boundaries that they may then set with you.

Obstacles that might prevent you from setting boundaries

“But I don’t want to hurt their feelings”

Of course not, I get it, especially if you’re close to your family or have people-pleasing tendencies, this can be really hard.

But, if you don’t set the boundary, resentment is going to build, and blowing up at them is going to feel a whole lot worse. 

As long as your boundary is stated respectfully and comes from a place of love, acknowledging that this is hard for both of you might help, but know that just because it’s hard doesn’t mean you shouldn’t set the boundary.

“My parents lay on the guilt trip thick”

Parents are used to being able to pull out the “do as I say” card.  And when they don’t like hearing no, they can sometimes be manipulative by laying on the guilt or shame. 

Recognize that this has to do with their own stuff (often times the way their parents interacted with them) and not you.  Guilt usually comes from a place of anger or hurt.

It might help to acknowledge that you see them hurting or that this is clearly hard for them. 

Stick to your boundary and stand firm.  If the exchange gets heated, you can always leave or hang up the phone and express that you can talk again when they are calmer.

“This is new for my family, we’ve never set boundaries before”

Great!  You get to be an example of healthy relationship limits in your family.  I know it’s not easy to be the pioneer in your family with this one, but I’ve seen it over and over that when you start setting boundaries, more often than not the family will begin to follow suit and it becomes much more natural.

“I went overboard with my boundaries”

When you first start setting boundaries the advice to draw a hard line can be interpreted as being harsh or unkind.  Often what happens is that your first boundaries are ridged and a little more strict than you meant them to be. 

Know that this is a normal part of starting to set boundaries.  Don’t beat yourself up over this, just learn from it and try to approach the next situation in a different way.

What do these boundaries look and sound like?

Boundaries to set around your time

• Limiting frequency and length of phone calls, visits or text messages when it becomes excessive
• Choosing not to attend family functions or leaving a family outing early
• Having family let you know that they will be stopping by instead of ambushing you

This can sound like…

• “I don’t have the emotional headspace to be fully present right now, can we talk later?”
• “We will be going to ___________’s house for the holidays this year.  We can find a time to get together afterwards.”
• “I have a lot going on today, let’s find a time to talk one night this week that works for both of us.”
• “I don’t have time to come and help you with this today, but I can come this weekend.”

Boundaries to set around your privacy

• Making certain topics of conversation off limits
• Requesting that they not share certain information with other family members or their friends
• Choosing not to tell them about certain decisions you’re making
• Waiting to introduce your partner to the family until you’re ready
• Keeping money matters private
• Blocking or limiting what they see on social media

This can sound like….

• “My relationship with _________ is going really well, I’ll have him come meet the family when I’m ready.” 
• “Please don’t share my personal information with your friends.” 
• “I understand that my parenting style might be different than yours was, please respect the choices that I feel are best for my family.”

Boundaries to set around your physical body

• Making your body and clothing choices an off limit conversation
• Telling them it is hurtful when they criticize your appearance
• Choosing not to hug or kiss if you aren’t comfortable with it
• Informing them that it’s between you and your partner whether you decide to have children or not

This can sound like…

• “My body is not a topic of conversation, please don’t bring it up again.” 
• “It really hurts my feelings when you criticize my appearance, could you stop doing that?”  
• “Can you stop mentioning that I’m getting old and need to hurry up and have a baby?”  
• “Whether we decide to have children or not is between us and may be different than what you decided.” 

Boundaries to set around money

• Not loaning them money
• Not accepting gifts that come with strings attached
• Not feeling like you have to spend a certain amount of money on gifts
• Choosing not to attend expensive family trips if you cannot afford it

This can sound like…

• “I don’t have extra money to loan you right now.”  
• “I can’t afford to buy more than one Christmas present for each of you this year.”  
• “What I spend my money on is none of your concern.” 

The magic phrase

“I appreciate your concern and I will take it into consideration.”

When you don’t want to go into details or you’re trying to diffuse or change topics quickly, this can be a game changer.

Think about the boundaries you need to set with your family. 

What is one small boundary you can set this week?

If you need help setting boundaries with your parents, I would be happy to help you do that during a therapy session.  Contact me to learn more.

Megan Weber is currently providing in person and online video therapy sessions for the following communities: Neenah, Appleton, Oshkosh, Fond du Lac, Green Bay and surrounding Fox Cities area.